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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Untold-of Weariness

These days in my life... I don't know, but I seem to be at a down point. Don't know if it's age, or maybe my difficult and trying situation, but sometimes, things just aren't as enjoyable as before. There are many things to enjoy, many things I enjoy, many things I'm trying to enjoy... but somehow I couldn't move myself to enjoy them. It's as if I've become too weary. Not weary of the things I'm supposed to enjoy. I mean too weary in general.

That's how I feel right now. I don't feel like a lively single wanting to live in the now and bask in the moment. I actually feel weary. Perhaps it's weight of the problems at home and in my family, the relative high maintenance of the close people in my life, be it friends or family, or just maybe I have no great success in life...

Firstly, with my high-maintenance family, I have to work double to make ends meet. When I come home to do something, I'm usually at the computer, punching away at the keyboard for my side project (which I honestly like more than my day job!) that also earns money. My salary in one job is not enough. When the weekend comes, a friend wants me to come over to his house, or the neighbor calls because one of their family died, or there's a church activity, or this and that.... I actually want to shut down for a while and get away from all that.

Sometimes, people invite me for out of town trips, and while others jump at the chance for it at invitation, I shrug and couldn't work up the enthusiasm for it. I go to out of town places sometimes, because of work usually, it's nice, it's good, but somehow I can't enjoy it. I gather with old friends sometimes, but I don't feel any camaraderie or liking to be with them. It's somewhat tiring to be with others outside and then have to deal with so many members of the family at home. It's like I don't want to be around people anymore. I go into activities, but I can't enjoy them too much.

Just to try to revive my spirit, I delve into my many interests. I listen often now, or watch the music videos of my favorite songs - She Sells Sanctuary, State of Art, L'Amour, But Not Tonight, and other 80s classics. But it becomes mere soundblasting my ears, so I've got other things to do. My scale modelling activity has taken a dip because of exhaustion after a day of work, even if I come in only 6 hours a day at work. I installed Ubuntu on my computer, and some problems and glitches kept me awake after 12nn trying to fix them (I do fix them, and Ubuntu's a pretty good system. If only I could have my own laptop so I could dump Windows and go Ubuntu).

I'm trying to revive my anime sketching hobby, but it's been slow. My fiction writing hobby has taken the biggest dip as well, since I'm out of ideas for stories and events in my current unfinished projects, so it's writer's block for now. Or maybe I have too many hobbies...

Some people tell me, you're young, enjoy life, make the most of it while you're single. But I don't feel like a young single. I already feel some things people beyond singlehood feel, and I've had many bad episodes in my life. That's how it is because of the situation of my life and the problems caused by people around me. I just want to fade away and be alone. But I can't, because I have to work and make money to spend on not just myself but other people as well. And it's very tiring.

Oh, well. There'll be and end to this.

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