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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Untold-of Weariness

These days in my life... I don't know, but I seem to be at a down point. Don't know if it's age, or maybe my difficult and trying situation, but sometimes, things just aren't as enjoyable as before. There are many things to enjoy, many things I enjoy, many things I'm trying to enjoy... but somehow I couldn't move myself to enjoy them. It's as if I've become too weary. Not weary of the things I'm supposed to enjoy. I mean too weary in general.

That's how I feel right now. I don't feel like a lively single wanting to live in the now and bask in the moment. I actually feel weary. Perhaps it's weight of the problems at home and in my family, the relative high maintenance of the close people in my life, be it friends or family, or just maybe I have no great success in life...

Firstly, with my high-maintenance family, I have to work double to make ends meet. When I come home to do something, I'm usually at the computer, punching away at the keyboard for my side project (which I honestly like more than my day job!) that also earns money. My salary in one job is not enough. When the weekend comes, a friend wants me to come over to his house, or the neighbor calls because one of their family died, or there's a church activity, or this and that.... I actually want to shut down for a while and get away from all that.

Sometimes, people invite me for out of town trips, and while others jump at the chance for it at invitation, I shrug and couldn't work up the enthusiasm for it. I go to out of town places sometimes, because of work usually, it's nice, it's good, but somehow I can't enjoy it. I gather with old friends sometimes, but I don't feel any camaraderie or liking to be with them. It's somewhat tiring to be with others outside and then have to deal with so many members of the family at home. It's like I don't want to be around people anymore. I go into activities, but I can't enjoy them too much.

Just to try to revive my spirit, I delve into my many interests. I listen often now, or watch the music videos of my favorite songs - She Sells Sanctuary, State of Art, L'Amour, But Not Tonight, and other 80s classics. But it becomes mere soundblasting my ears, so I've got other things to do. My scale modelling activity has taken a dip because of exhaustion after a day of work, even if I come in only 6 hours a day at work. I installed Ubuntu on my computer, and some problems and glitches kept me awake after 12nn trying to fix them (I do fix them, and Ubuntu's a pretty good system. If only I could have my own laptop so I could dump Windows and go Ubuntu).

I'm trying to revive my anime sketching hobby, but it's been slow. My fiction writing hobby has taken the biggest dip as well, since I'm out of ideas for stories and events in my current unfinished projects, so it's writer's block for now. Or maybe I have too many hobbies...

Some people tell me, you're young, enjoy life, make the most of it while you're single. But I don't feel like a young single. I already feel some things people beyond singlehood feel, and I've had many bad episodes in my life. That's how it is because of the situation of my life and the problems caused by people around me. I just want to fade away and be alone. But I can't, because I have to work and make money to spend on not just myself but other people as well. And it's very tiring.

Oh, well. There'll be and end to this.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Schizobook



OK, I finally got the book about Schizophrenia I intended, Coping with Schizophrenia by Steven Jones and Peter Hayward. Hope it gives me the information I need in dealing with my sister. Though I wanted E. Fuller Torrey's book, Surviving Schizophrenia, which is a classic in the field. Anyway, I'll leaf through it for now.

The book on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) I got earlier, Delivered from Distraction by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, is the authors' latest followup to one of the classics in the field, Driven to Distraction, and this is another essential if you want to know more about ADD.

ADDed a new book



I just bought a copy of the book Delivered from Distraction, by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. It's the latest from these popular authors about Attention Deficit Disorder, the syndrome often attached to children but can also happen with adults. I myself believe I have it, but have not had the benefit of an actual diagnosis. Anyway, the symptoms and traits of inconsistent attention stay with me, and I have nothing to do but deal with it myself. Now that I am much more knowledgeable about the topic, I am better equipped to handle my own problems, but the sad part is that all these years, I had only myself to depend on to solve my own problems, since everyone I talk to about this issue either tells me I'm too intelligent to have it (as long as I don't have it), I should be thinking of something else, or they're busy with their own problems. People I guess find it expensive or wasting their time to help me with my problems, but that's fine. I'll handle things myself, as it's probably meant to be.



I think I'll put the rest of my hard-earned money to books about mental illness, since I have family members with mental illness. I have a sister with schizophrenia, and I'll buy a book on that later on. I have The Autism Sourcebook by Karen Siff Exhorn, which is for my autistic nephew. I sure hope though that people would have the time to read it. If not, then it would have to be my task again: I read 'em and I explain the ideas to the rest of the family myself.